What We Want:
We want our children to be kind, empathetic, and aware of the needs of others.
We also want our children to be able to concentrate on an activity, stand up for themselves, be strong around those who might push them around, and not be a victim.
How do we reinforce these qualities in our children and children in our community? (We are a village, regardless of how well we know those around us. We can support each other in this challenging journey of parenthood without placing judgment on the other child or parent.)
What is often done:
Often, we hope that it happens with “Sharing” Unfortunately, none of the above qualities are supported in typical “sharing” scenarios.
Picture this scenario: Jo is playing with a train. He has been playing with this train for a while. Bo sees the train, and walks up and takes it out of Jo’s hands and Bo walks away with the train. Jo looks confused or sad, then walks away.
Common parent/caregiver response:
1: Bo’s adult thinks to self: “Jo doesn’t seem to mind, so oh well... I just wish Bo wasn’t such a bully.
Jo’s adult thinks, “I wish Jo would stand up for himself” or “Jo shares so well.”
2: Adult tells Bo, “Don’t grab. Give that back.” Adult grabs it out of Bo’s hand and returns it to Jo.
3: “Jo, you have been using that for a long time. You get to share with Bo. It is Bo’s turn now. Bo, you should ask next time. Jo, look at this shiny object”
Adult wonders “When do kids learn to share? I have no idea what to do in this situation.”
“I am going to set a timer, Jo, you can play for five minutes, then Bo, you can play for five minutes. That way you are sharing.”
These responses are common regardless of age or relationship between the children. The children could be siblings, friends or strangers. They also all usually result in tears from at least one if not both children
Most of what we are asking our child to do isn’t sharing.
Picture another scenario: I am reading an awesome book. I am just about to find out the key to the riddle, and my partner walks up and takes my book and says, “You have been reading long enough. It is time to give that book to your friend.”
I would be outraged! How DARE he?! I was just actively reading that.” Harsh words would ensue, right!!
If someone decides I need to “Share” my car and takes it, I can call the police, because that is theft!
The indignation and frustration we see our children exhibit is justified.
We Do NOT share very frequently as adults.
Children who are told they have to “share” will frequently become highly possessive of whatever they are using, or might use, or have used in the past.
We give other children the toys our child is playing with because “they have been using it for long enough” and we don’t want our child to be seen as a hoarder or bad friend.
Often, an older sibling has to acquiesce to the younger’s desires and needs which can build resentment and rivalry.
How To Do It Instead
Establish a clear ground rule, and enforce it as consistently as you are able.
“If it is on the floor or on the shelf, it is available to play with. If it is in someone’s hands, they are using it, and whoever wants it has to wait until it is available.”
This rule can be reinforced wherever you are. Playdates, playgrounds, at home, at school, with strangers or friends.
Role Play (A script for you to try… first with a friend or partner):
When you are at a park with strangers, and a child takes something from your child, you hold the object, and say,
“Jo is still using that. When it is on the sand, you may use it, he is still using it. Would you like me to let you know when Jo is finished?”
When your child takes something from someone else, you can remind, “That is in this child’s hands. They are using it. You may wait until they are done, or you may choose another activity. Which would you like to do?”.
This rule can be reinforced with children as young as 7-8 months old. You may have to repeat it frequently, but they will begin to understand.
Using sign language can help preverbal children express the activity to do with their hands that reminds them of what they are doing with their bodies,
This is the sign for “wait”. (It is also helpful at restaurants, in lines and other times we have to wait for things)
Why It Works
Simple, clear and consistent rules are easier to follow.
Children under the age of 3 are parallel players. It may occasionally look like they are playing collaboratively with another child until one of the children is finished and they simply walk away. There isn’t a warning, the child doesn't say, “My play here is coming to a close, I will find something else to do.” They walk away, unaware that their actions will affect another at all. Sharing is the work of a collaborative child.
When children are allowed to play with something until they are finished some magical things happen.
The child will develop the ability to concentrate.
The child will play with toys in ways that stretch his/her creativity.
The child will have a safe psychological space both at home and in public in which to learn and play.
Children will learn to respect other’s activities, and that their activities are worthy of respect.
Why you might have to remind children frequently:
Children act impulsively because of how their brain works. They may be able to tell you what the rule is, but they have not made it a habit. this only comes from their repetition of the action. (Not hearing it repeatedly)
Remind them gently when they forget. They forgot, and don’t need to be shamed to remember next time.
Waiting is hard! We don’t like it either.
But I want to teach my child to be generous, empathetic, and aware of other’s needs. How do I do this?!?
When you reinforce this one rule for your child and others, you are teaching them all of these things.
They will learn their play and activity has value, as does the play and activity of other children.
They are letting others play with the activities they are not currently working with, which is generous.
They are learning how to be patient.
Sibling Suggestions:
When all of the children in the house have the same rule, they will reinforce the rule with each other as well.
Some ideas for environments that encourage cooperation, respect, and community in families:
Most of the toys and activities in a home are community things for the whole family. Each child can choose anything that is on the shelf or toy box or floor if the other child isn't using it.
Having a different colored rug, or bathmat for each child that s/he can bring their activity so they can work until they are finished (Even if they have to run to go potty or eat, or whatever) The rug acts like the child’s “hands” They are using it if it is on their rug. This keeps the activity confined limits the number of activities a child can have out at one time and gives everyone a clear indication of who is using it.
Additionally, with siblings, it is helpful to have a shelf where each of them keeps their special toys from birthdays, or things they are feeling particularly attached to. The child only has to share if t specifically asked (Bo cant ask mom, Bo must ask Jo). Then, once permission is given to use it, the same rule applies: The child uses it until they are done. Jo cannot take back permission.
It is also helpful to have places that each child can play without interruption. The younger child has a space, and the older child has a space, they can go to for independent playtime. When there is an older child interested in legos or other choking hazards, it is effective to create a small space that the newly crawling/ toddling child cannot enter, both for safety and sanity. Safety gates that surround fireplaces are great for creating a small space with tables and shelves that an older child can access, build tall towers, etc without fear of a younger child “always wrecking their stuff”
A note on older siblings: It is very important to respect the older child’s activities and concentration and avoid saying “Give that to the baby, s/he doesn't know any better” This actually creates a great deal of resentment and sibling rivalry.
When you as the parent walk into a room and the children are playing tug of war with a toy, and you did not see what happened, Do NOT take sides! As humans, we will side more with one child than the other, even when trying to be fair. Both children will feel this slight. We didn't see what happened. So, Hold the toy in your hands, connecting with both of them. Say” I did not see what happened, I am not going to take sides, I will put this up, you may both choose different activities, and later, I will return this to the shelf ready for the next time.
